Confucius Say!

•August 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

ok, random sample: how many folks here LURVE Chinese food? a show of hands……Yep, thats what I thot! Just about everybody! And what is your favorite Chinese food? Chow Mein? Sweet and Sour? Stir Fry? Fried Rice? Teriyaki Chicken? I think I love the fried rice the best….IMO, if the rice is good, everything will be good! But even better than the rice, I love FORTUNE COOKIES! Right? Dont we all hold our breath just a bit to see what bit of wisdom we’re going to get? And dont we compare with everyone else?

I work with a gal who is gaga for Sushi. The folks at her favorite restaurant know us on sight. We’ve gone there for lunch so often, when its time to pay the bill, we each get our own BAG of fortune cookies (thanks to me of course!) So, we started comparing our fortunes….and her best ones said:
NEVER SNIFF THE INSIDE OF A HAT.
WHEW! I NEVER THOUGHT I’D GET OUT OF THERE!

My best ones said:
IGNORE PREVIOUS COOKIE
IT IS A FOOLISH FISH THAT IS CAUGHT TWICE WITH THE SAME BAIT! (that one hurt a bit!)
LUCKY YOU! GET OUT YOUR PARTY CLOTHES.  THE CLEAN ONES!
NO JOB IS SO SIMPLE THAT IT CANNOT BE DONE WRONG.  (SO TRUE!)

I went online once to see if anyone else had a fortune cookie fetish like me, and lo and behold, there were some! here’s my favorite fortune cookie links:
Weird Fortune Cookies.com
Tasteless Fortunes.com
Funny Fortunes

When I was a kid we used to tell “Confucius Say” jokes such as these:

Confucius say
He who go to bed with itchy bottom wake up with smelly fingers
Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.
Man’s wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
Man who walk in middle of road get run over by bus.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Don’t sweat the petty stuff … and don’t pet the sweaty stuff.
Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

and now for the real deal:

Confucius say:
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.
In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.
To know what is right and not to do it is the worst cowardice.
It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.

Posted in because I said so, humor
Tags: , ,

Ive got my EYE on you!

•August 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

When I was a happy go lucky teenager, I lived in a little river town near the SF Bay Area. There was this backroad we kids would take on our midnight joyrides when the moon was full, and gas didnt cost too much!! The road was called Deer Valley Road and not much was there but wooded hillsides and grasslands…and a few wild animals. One of the unique features of this drive was Eyeball Rock. In my day, it was a bit more bloodshot, probably cuz the 70’s were the days of smoking all the pot you wanted without the cops bothering you.

Anyway, I never forgot eyeball rock, and used to talk about it to the folks where I live now. Imagine my surprise when one of my co-workers started dating a guy from that same town, who actually knew the exact rock I was mentioning! Bless their hearts, the next time they took a trip to that area, they took a swing down Deer Valley Road, and snapped this pic:

Even after all these years, its still there, still looks the same! I SEE YOU!!!

Posted in because I said so, humor
Tags: , , , , ,

The Basic Food Groups-Revised!

•August 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

One afternoon as I was ruminating on the varieties of adult beverages available, I noticed that they could easily be categorized according to what they were made of, and thus be incorporated into the Basic Food Groups like this:

The government says you should have 6-11 servings from the cereal group. Voila! a six-pack or a twelve-pack is just the ticket! The Fruit group, 2-4 servings (a bottle of wine should do nicely thank you). Veggie group, 3-5 servings. Here you can get creative, perhaps a Bloody Mary or a cocktail with olives.

I didnt include the dairy group, but Im thinking that Bailey’s Irish Creme, or even a wonderful drink called “London Fog” (made with ice cream, gin (or anisette–my fave!), and creme de menthe) would be reasonable choices.

Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Troglodytes, or THEY WALK AMONG YOU!

•August 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Evolution. Pretty much a done deal as far as Science is concerned, and except for the religious nutz in the Bible Belt, its accepted as fact by the majority of folks worldwide. I mean how do you argue with fossils? Course, thats not to say that there aren’t still unexplained mysteries, cuz there are. For example, Im certain there are living fossils just waiting to be discovered. After all, if the Coelacanth avoided discovery until the mid 20th century, why cant Nessie be a Plesiosaur?

I would even submit to you that in a very real way, Evolution’s greatest success story is right under our very noses! It would explain for example the truly brutish behavior I see on a daily basis. Oh yes. The attitude, the belligerence, the downright RUDE antics of these subhumans who nevertheless occupy the same strata as you and I dear reader. I call these folks the Troglodytes. They are usually male, but occasionally females have been spotted. They can be identified by their utter lack of awareness of anything outside of self. and by their tendency to engage in pack mentality. They are ruled almost entirely by their amygdala, or primitive brain. Be not fooled however, it takes real intelligence to co-exist among more civilized humans and not be exposed for the knuckle-draggers that they are. Because they are masters of disguise, Im posting a pic so you’ll know them when you see them:

Posted in because I said so, humor, rants
Tags: , , , ,

Born to be Wild! (or, the Secret life of trees)

•August 6, 2008 • 8 Comments

WARNING!!! ADULT CONTENT!!! NAVIGATE AWAY IF EASILY OFFENDED

Also: sorry about the Photobucket watermarks.  I refuse to pay them a monthly fee for the few measly pix they host!  I got all these pix off the internet so it’s not like it’s their copyrighted work is being used!!!  😡 stupid Photobucket anyway! 😡

Mother Nature does some weird and wonderful things….take the following image for example–
Butt Tree 1

I had a tree like this on my street before I moved…I swore I would put undies on it, maybe a thong or something….but I never did….here’s another, larger cheeked version for the big booty lovers in the crowd:

Butt Tree 2

This next one looks like it came from some national park somewhere, I mean where else would you find a tree this BIG??
now thats BIG WOOD!!

and to be fair:

urm...

well, something is certainly excited….

hardwood tree

here’s a real “tree hugger!”

tree hugger

and finally, a twosome:

YUM!

So there ya have it folks, some candid shots of our leafy friends. You’ll never see trees quite the same way again.

Posted in Adult Content, humor
Tags: , , ,

Mother’s Day

•August 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

What I wanna know is, why do we only get ONE??? I think it should be a whole week for cripes sake!
Im sure its some conspiracy or something, “give the gals a day of their own so they wont squawk about the fact that all the rest of the holidays are about men” kinda thing….think I’m kidding? Pop Quiz: name a holiday that is about a famous woman. BZZZZZZ time’s up. Anyone? Yeah, thats what I thot. Women get to sorta cash in on Valentines day, so thats alright I guess, but come ON people!

Well enuff of the rant, time to get all sentimental and stuff. Ive got 3 kids, two grown daughters and a 7yr old son still at home. Let me tell ya, raising kids aint for the faint of heart! My daughters were a handful growing up, particularly the younger one, but nobody could prepare me for just how different BOYS are! And Im not talking the Venus/Mars thing either. Who else would sit in your lap and cuddle with you only to say “Ive got a present for ya” and fart in your face??? (Im not ashamed to say, I laffed as loud as he did! Guess Im still a big kid). Or the fact that everything is automatically a weapon? Where is that coming from? Are all boys just mini soldiers or whatever??? And to think I was worried that he might suffer from no male influence, me being a single mom and all….no worries there folks, let me tell ya! And the fact that the most amazing things turn up in the washing machine, no one prepared me for that either! Course, all of that pales when I remember that this same young man asked me to marry him, and that he loves me “past God!” That is what makes it all worthwhile. So to all my fellow Mothers out there,

Posted in because I said so, rants
Tags: , ,

Fun with Paint!

•August 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Ive met some interesting personalities in cyber world, but one of the most obnoxious by far was a gal I like to call C-section. I first met her in a “debate” group on Cafe Mom. Without fail, she would attack people for their posts and, most mysterious of all, call each and every one of them racist–regardless of the topic, or their comments. Yep, you heard me right. Now, no one has ever accused me of being politically correct but I avoid cliche stereotypical slurs. Just like I avoid foul language (except when appropriate!). So, imagine my surprise when I was called a racist for questioning her behavior. What she based this on I wasn’t sure. I said I opposed illegal immigration because it was illegal. To me, that concept is a no-brainer. Just like I think anyone who supports it is a no-brainer. Anyway, long story short, I kindly pointed out to her that if I wanted to be racist, I could have called her any number of slurs–such as “oreo” or “nappy” or other equally offensive terms–but I DIDN’T. I merely asked why she felt the need to be an asshat to anyone who didn’t agree with her. Gentle reader, you may trust me when I say that the bandwidth she used to shower me with her verbal vomit was considerable. I then realized that she wasn’t operating in a cerebral dimension, but rather in a gaseous dimension. Yes. Gaseous. As in full of smelly hot air. As in walking whoopie cushion. Because I am by nature a creative person, I posted this charming portrait:

Here’s to ya C-section, wherever you are.

Posted in because I said so, humor

Shit Present

•August 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I call this little gem the Shit Present, and I created it one evening to give to all my “friends” at the Ledge. For those of you who dont know, the Ledge is a fan board for fans of Fleetwood Mac. Its where I got my cyber chops, trading barbs with an assortment of folks, some of whom were good friends, others who were the epitome of troglodytes. I cant understand why they wouldn’t be flattered, because you know, it took painstaking effort to find just the right pile of poo, the exact right bow and the nerves of steel necessary to edit out the extra stuff that came with the bow. And just in time for Xmas too. What gratitude.

When I find a deserving topic or personality or event, I trot this baby out to celebrate the essence of the truly mediocre. Smile. we love you. we really really love you.

Posted in because I said so, humor

Maiden voyage

•August 5, 2008 • 3 Comments

welp, my first post here on WordPress. I switched from Blogger because I think this site gets more traffic. We shall see…in the meantime, Im going to be mirroring my posts for awhile. Stay Tuned, I’ll be right back after this commercial break!

Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Next Entries »